Is there a ‘right’ way to grieve? Advice from a bereavement expert

Christina Saltmarsh - Psychotherapist specialising in grief and bereavement
Last updated 11^th November 2025
7 min read

The Harbour(the-harbour.org.uk opens in a new tab) is a Bristol-based charity for people experiencing grief and bereavement in Bristol and the surrounding area. We asked their Clinical Lead, Psychotherapist Christina Saltmarsh, for her insights on how to cope while you’re grieving. Here’s what she recommended…

At The Harbour, we’re aware that grief is as personal and unique as the person you’ve lost. There’s no 'right' way to grieve, and the way you grieve will be affected by your culture, beliefs, religion, family and life experiences.

People often talk about different stages, tasks and feelings associated with grief, but these are only rough guides. In truth, grief rarely follows a tidy sequence.

Is there a ‘right’ way to grieve?

Some people cry often when they’re grieving. Others may not cry at all. Some people wish to spend time alone, whilst others seek company. Some people want to talk about their loved one, whilst others keep their memories private.

Grieving is about finding a way to manage the feelings that come with losing someone. It’s also about finding a way, maybe a purpose, to continue to live despite the loss. 

Why do I feel so alone with my grief?

There are a number of reasons you may feel alone with your grief…

Grief is unique and personal

Even if two people have lost the same person, their relationships and what the person meant to them is unique. This means no one can ever really know how you’re feeling. 

It can be hard to talk about grief

As well as this, it may be hard to talk about your grief. This may be because:

• You feel concerned that you’ll overwhelm, worry or upset people.
• You don't want to cry or shout in front of people.
• There’s pressure to move on and 'get over' your loss.
• When you're in pain and others aren’t, it can feel like you're speaking a language that no one else understands.

It may also be that some people find it hard to talk to you about your loss. This doesn’t mean they don’t care. It may be because:

• They don't know what to say and don't want to make things worse.
• It makes them feel uncomfortable.
• They feel that by talking about death it will bring it on them or their loved ones.
• They don't want to intrude or upset you.

How can talking about grief help?

Talking about your loss and grief can help in many surprising ways. It can:

Help you feel less alone

When you talk about your loss, others may respond with empathy, similar experiences, or simply by trying to understand what you are saying. It may help you feel like you have someone who’s on your side and who cares. 

Validate your experience

Talking can help you recognise that your loss is real and significant, and that it’s understandable to have powerful feelings. 

Allow you to 'let out' your feelings and thoughts

At The Harbour, people often tell us about feeling a sense of relief, a lightening of their load, when they tell us their story.

Help you put the grief ‘outside’ yourself

By putting grief into words, pictures or music, you can put it outside yourself a little. This can make it feel more bearable.

Help you understand your loss

By talking, you may discover more about what the person meant to you, how they shaped you and your life, and what you and your life looks like now without them.

Reduce shame

Grief can come with complicated emotions – guilt, anger, relief, numbness. Talking about these can help you understand and process them. It can also remind you that there’s no right way to grieve. 

Will my grief ever go away or get easier?

Grief doesn’t necessarily ‘go away.’ However, it can get easier to live with. 

In the beginning, grief can feel overwhelming – like your whole life has been turned upside down. Nothing looks or feels the same. Over time, most people find that the intensity softens, and it no longer affects every moment like it once did.

One woman who came to The Harbour described it as like carrying a heavy stone. To start with, it was exhausting and she didn’t feel strong enough to carry it. Gradually, she got used to carrying the stone and she no longer felt exhausted. She even found she could sometimes put it down for a while.

Also, the shape of grief can change. In the early days, it may mostly be about pain. The pain can often feel physical – like your heart is literally breaking or that your chest is so tight you can't breathe. Your thoughts may be focused on the last few days or hours before the death happened. It can feel like the most enormous shock or can be like a tidal wave of sadness or rage.

In time, your grief may also start to include the warmth, love, gratitude and even laughter that you experience when you remember the person you lost. None of that means you stop missing the person, or stop grieving or caring – it just means the grief has woven itself into your life in a different way. 

What helps people cope with grief?

What helps people cope with grief is individual. Here are some things that we’ve found helpful time and again at The Harbour:

Allow yourself to feel and talk about the person you've lost

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. That if you start to cry, you’ll never stop, or that there is no time or space for you. But finding a safe place where you can do this and giving permission to feel whatever comes is a key part of the grieving process.

This is where counselling can be so helpful. It gives you a regular time each week, with someone who is really listening and who won't judge or be worried, shocked or disappointed.

Routine and structure 

After a bereavement, you can feel like life is out of your control. It may feel chaotic and meaningless. Ordinary tasks can feel overwhelming. Simple routines like morning walks, regular meals, or planned check-ins with someone can help give you a feeling of safety and grounding.

Rituals and memorials

Finding a way to symbolise your loss can be a way to honour who and what has been lost. For example, lighting candles, planting a tree or plant, or creating art, poetry or music.

This can also help to keep a connection to the person who has died. Grieving is not about forgetting, or leaving behind, the person you have lost. Instead, it is about finding a way to continue in life while remembering and honouring them.

Moving your body

It’s often said that grief is held in the body and it can feel like a physical pain. Physical activity can help reduce the physical impact of grief on your body – even gentle movement like walking, stretching, or yoga.

Being patient

Grieving isn't linear. There will be good days and sad, difficult days. You may feel you’ve come a long way in your grieving journey and then, perhaps for no obvious reason, you may feel like things are back to how they were at the start.

Be kind to yourself, especially when progress feels slow. This can make a big difference. At The Harbour, we remind our clients that grieving will take time and there is no right way, no right journey.

Seeking meaning and purpose

In time, many people cope by finding meaning or purpose in their loss. For example, a man who came to The Harbour, spoke of realising that his purpose was to make sure his young child was still able to have a childhood with joy and laughter, whilst never forgetting her mummy who had died.

Seeking meaning and purpose doesn't mean the grief will disappear. Instead, it becomes part of a larger story.

Can talking about death help me enjoy life more?

Yes! It might sound strange, but talking about death often brings life into sharper focus and can help you enjoy life more, not less. You may find that:

It clarifies what really matters

If you’re able to acknowledge that life isn’t for ever, you may find it easier to focus on things that are truly important to you. Clients tell us they feel able to make choices about where they put their time and energy, and they worry less about things that previously felt important. 

You feel more connected to people

Conversations about death can lead to surprisingly intimate and meaningful exchanges. At The Harbour, we hear that when clients are able to be honest about the reality of loss, they feel closer to their friends and loved ones. 

It reduces your feeling of fear

Rather than making you feel better, if you avoid things you’re likely to find they feel even scarier. Talking about death helps normalise it and can reduce anxiety. 

It heightens your sense of gratitude

If you’re able to remember that nothing lasts forever, you’ll tend to appreciate things more. You may become more aware of the small things like sunlight on your face, laughter with friends or the chance to love and feel loved.

Rather than being morbid, these conversations can be liberating. They remind us that we’re alive now, and that’s something to celebrate.

We often hear sad stories at The Harbour. And whilst we can’t erase our clients’ experiences, it’s truly inspiring to hear about the joy they have had, and to hear them talk about realising that despite the world being very different, there can still be times of happiness and purpose in their lives.

Find support

If you’d like to speak to someone about bereavement, Cruse(www.cruse.org.uk opens in a new tab) and Sue Ryder(www.sueryder.org opens in a new tab) offer UK-wide grief support services. The Good Grief Trust(www.thegoodgrieftrust.org opens in a new tab) works with 1000+ charities and services to help you find the bereavement support that works for you.